


Not Until My Whole Life is Done Will I Ever Leave You

by Emrys MK (mk_malfoy)



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Accept Injury to Protect Someone, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Amnesia, Angst, Caring Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Comfort food or item / feeding someone, Falling In Love, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Lonely Merlin, Lost Love, M/M, Major Character Injury, Memory Loss, Merlin/Arthur Endgame, POV Alternating, Poor Arthur (Merlin), Poor Merlin (Merlin), Poor Will (Merlin), Protective Arthur (Merlin), Protective Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), References to Depression, breaking up, unrequited pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-01
Updated: 2019-03-01
Packaged: 2019-11-07 07:40:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17956388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mk_malfoy/pseuds/Emrys%20MK
Summary: Merlin’s world has been turned upside down. He’s been in an accident and can’t remember things he needs to, such as breaking up with one boyfriend and getting himself another.  How is he meant to move forward with Arthur when he doesn’t want to let go of his past with Will?





	Not Until My Whole Life is Done Will I Ever Leave You

**Author's Note:**

> This is my fill for the HC Bingo Amnesty challenge for February. My prompts were: Unrequited Pining, Accept Injury to Protect Someone, Amnesia, Comfort food or item/feeding someone
> 
> I wish I knew why it quenches my Merlin-loving heart so very much to put Merlin through physical and emotional hell in my fics, but then again, maybe it is best that the ‘why’ remains a mystery because I don’t want to stop!
> 
> Thank you to my wonderful beta, Katie, for the quick turnaround. You rock!
> 
> The title is a lyric in “Days in the Sun” from _Beauty and the Beast_.
> 
>  **Disclaimer** : Merlin characters are the property of Shine and BBC. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

Why is it so bright? Merlin squeezes his eyes shut and turns away from the offending light. He has no idea what time it is but knows he hasn’t had anywhere near enough sleep to face a new day. So if it isn’t the sun that woke him, what did? 

To his knowledge he and Will do not own anything that emits such awful illumination, but he wouldn’t put it past his boyfriend to have brought such a contraption on his last shopping jaunt. “Turn it off!” Merlin grouses, perturbed that Will has woken him from his deep, satisfying sleep. Didn’t he remember that Merlin has an important job interview in the morning? 

Merlin needs this job in the worst way since he quit the last one when his boss asked him to do something that was unethical. “Damn you, Will,“ he mutters. If he doesn’t get this job...

If this was one of those _Hey, Merlin, do you remember when we first met and you said you liked spontaneity? Why don’t we have sex now, in the middle of the night_ wake-up-calls, Merlin is not impressed. He had told Will after the last time this happened that as much as he loved sex, and make no mistake about it, having Will deep inside him is pure bliss, he did not love being awakened at three in the morning, no matter how appealing the prospect of a mind-blowing orgasm was.

He sighs and spouts off an internal monologue of how selfish Will is, but he stops short of saying any of this aloud. A fight is the last thing Merlin wants—he needs to be at his best when he goes to interview for this job Freya has set up for him—but he knows that sooner or later he and Will will have to sit down and have a serious talk.

Maybe it is time for them to part ways.

To be sure, Merlin doesn’t want to do this because he loves waking up to someone in his bed and he loves loving and being loved by Will. Will is really quite wonderful… most of the time, and there has always been that spark there with him that has never been there with anyone else Merlin has been interested in. Merlin had searched for years for that spark before he found it with Will.

And the sex… well, it is amazing (mind-blowingly so), and the thought of losing that makes Merlin think that he needs to accept that Will might not be perfect, but he is Will, and that should be good enough.

But, as Freya often reminds Merlin, much to his chagrin, sex is not the most important aspect of being with someone (although it certainly has to be fairly high on her list, because, well, who doesn’t like having copious amounts of sex?). “Happiness is also a vital part of a healthy relationship, Merlin,” she had chastised, and even Merlin has to admit that there has been precious little of that in his life recently.

But before Merlin convicts Will of the egregious crime of waking him too early and potentially sabotaging his attempts to get a proper 9 to 5 job, and sentences Will to a life without his boyfriend, perhaps Merlin should find out what this is all about. Maybe there is a plausible explanation as to why Merlin has been so rudely awakened. 

He doubts it, but...

Flustered and knowing further sleep anytime soon unlikely, Merlin decides to get up and make himself some hot chocolate. Perhaps that will calm his racing mind enough to allow him at least a couple more hours sleep. 

Or perhaps not. 

Waking up in the middle of the night has never been good for Merlin, who is probably about as light a sleeper as has ever lived. 

Nevertheless, hope burns eternal, right? So… his mindset somewhat more positive and less murderous, he sets about to sit up, but a sharp pain lances through his stomach and he thinks he might pass out.

What the hell? He hadn’t been in pain when he went to bed. Was he having an appendicitis attack? His best mate at uni, Lancelot, had nearly died when his appendix burst. 

Shite.

But upon further reflection, Merlin realises whatever this pain is, it is shooting throughout his stomach area, not just in the area where his appendix are. It’s not appendicitis. This is a huge relief, but then what the hell is wrong with him? 

“Merlin?” says someone… someone who is most definitely not Will.

What the bloody hell was going on? Why would someone other than Will be in their bedroom at this hour? Yes, Will was into the kinky stuff and had attempted to involve Merlin, but never had he asked someone else to get in the bed with Merlin (he had once inquired as to the feasibility of this and Merlin had glared before telling Will he could only deal with one man at a time, and that the one he currently had was quite enough to be going on with, thank you very much). 

Something was very wrong here. And why in the hell was that light still on?

“Can you turn off the bloody light?” he asks (demands is more like it) as he once again attempts to open his eyes. He can’t make out anything due to the brightness and increasing pounding inside his head, but he can see movement in front of him. 

Thank the gods for that.

Thankfully, within seconds the room is bathed in a much more soothing manner, which Merlin’s ever-increasing throbbing head appreciates. Too bad the other parts of his body don’t respond accordingly.

“You’re awake,” this other voice that Merlin has tried valiantly but failed to place says, the face that belongs to said voice hovering above Merlin’s, his voice soft and sounding a bit as if he has been emotional. But why would anyone have been emotional? Merlin tries to focus but can’t make out anything other than vague shapes. 

Why can’t he see clearly?

And where is Will?

Maybe he’s dreaming and will soon wake from this nightmare. 

But things are a bit too real for this to not be happening. 

“Will?” Merlin asks, scared. He has never been a morning person, especially when he’s not had ample sleep, and it often takes him a while to get his faculties in check, but whatever this is—whatever is going on—it’s something bad. He just feels it.

Has something bad happened to Will? Have they been in an accident? Was that why he is in such pain?

“What’s going on? Can you please help me sit up?” he asks, very nearly panicking. And who the hell are you? Merlin wants to add. “Where’s Will?”

“You should probably remain as you are until the doctor has a look at you,” is the stranger’s careful response.

The doctor? What the—

Well, if that was meant to be reassuring, it had failed rather spectacularly. So, something bad _had_ happened. 

“What happened? Where am I?” Merlin looks around and is thankful when the shapes before him slowly morph into actual images, but with this comes the disheartening realisation that he is not in his bedroom. 

It looks as if he is in hospital. 

This is not good. Not at all good. “Where is Will?” Merlin’s breathing speeds up and he can barely get the words out. “What happened?” he asks for what feels like the hundredth time.

“Merlin, calm down and take a deep breath. I’ve alerted the nurses that you are awake. Someone will be here soon to assess you.”

 _Someone will be here soon to assess you?_ Well, bugger all. Merlin wants to ask why he’s in hospital, but he can’t muster the energy to do so. But what right does this person have to tell Merlin to calm down?

That is the last thing Merlin wants to do. Who in the hell is this bloke? What right does he have to tell Merlin to do anything? But in the end Merlin does as asked because he feels himself panicking and quickly losing control. If Will were here he would help calm his boyfriend—he is an expert at it, after all; he has two years’ experience. “Please tell me what happened,” Merlin finally manages to ask.

“You were in a—” the stranger begins, but of course this would be the very moment when several people enter the room and almost immediately descend upon Merlin and begin poking and prodding him.

He wants to scream, and he feels the tears as they gather at the corners of his eyes. He feels so very alone. He needs Will.

And he wants his mother.

But she won’t be coming.

Merlin allows the tears to fall. Why did his mother have to die and leave him all alone?

A needle pierces his bum and almost immediately he knows no more.

When he next wakes, there are no doctors and the room is eerily quiet. The same stranger from before is seated beside him, running his hands through Merlin’s hair. He looks so very sad. As of yet he hasn’t noticed Merlin is awake, so Merlin takes this time to study him.

His hair is golden like the hay that covers the fields this time of year in Gloucester, and his eyes are the colour of the deepest parts of the ocean. There is something familiar about him. Has Merlin met him before? He doesn’t think so. Certainly he would recall meeting someone who looked as lovely as this bloke, but there is something about him that niggles at the back of Merlin’s thoughts. But it is probably Merlin’s mind playing tricks on him. Regardless, whomever this person is, he doesn’t look as if he belongs in the real world—he is like a God.

Oh gods, where in the hell did that come from? Seriously, what in the bloody hell is wrong with him?

Panic begins to surface again.

“Tell me what happened,” he says in his most authoritative voice, which is quite laughable as his voice sounds weak and is shaking. “Now,” he adds before this blond hair blue-eyed Adonis can put him off any longer.

***********One Week Earlier**********

“Merlin’s in there!” Arthur shouted as he watched the lumber toppling. He began running towards the building but his father held him back.

“Let me go, Father! I have to get to him; he’ll die in there!”

“It’s too dangerous, Arthur; the building is unsafe.”

Arthur stopped just long enough to glare at his father. Of course the building was unsafe. What had only a minute earlier been a three-story, almost completed office building was now two stories, and would most likely soon become a one-story structure. “No shit, Sherlock!” Arthur broke away from his father’s attempt to keep him from going for Merlin and ran into the falling debris. His father sounded scared as he continued yelling after his son, and there was no doubt he was frightened—any parent would be, and Arthur understood why—but there was no way Arthur was losing Merlin.

He could barely see in front of him inside the collapsing building. “Merlin?” Arthur looked to his left, to his right, above him, in front of him, every which way he could. He heard the noises that indicated that there would probably be more debris about to fall, but Arthur would be damned if he left without Merlin. “MERLIN!!”

A piece of debris hit Arthur in the head and momentarily stunned him, but he composed himself and fervently looked around. He knew that soon others would come pull him out and that, at that point, he would be helpless to break away from them, so he had better find Merlin now.

“Merlin! Please let me know where you are, damn it!”

Arthur searched through debris—lumber, steel, concrete, insulation, and many other things—for what seemed like forever with no luck. It was like searching for a needle in a haystack. “Merlin, please,” he said in a softer voice, more for his own ears than Merlin’s. “You have to be okay. You cannot introduce yourself to me and be all cheeky and interesting and go out with me and make me fall for you then go and get yourself killed. That is not on, Merlin, do you hear me?”

“Arthur?” called out a weak voice, but there was no doubt whose it was.

“Merlin?” Arthur frantically looked around him but still could not see anything besides stacks of lumber that had fallen atop one another.

“Here,” came Merlin’s voice.

“Keep saying my name, yeah? I will find you. I promise!” Arthur had to find him. He just had to.

Then Arthur saw him in the corner, buried beneath a fallen beam and other debris. “Merlin!” Arthur ran to Merlin and began removing snapped lumber, but he could see that if he wasn’t careful he would only make matters worse for Merlin. “I’m going for help but I’ll be right back.”

Arthur ran outside and screamed that he’d found Merlin still alive. Then it was mass chaos as Arthur showed the emergency personnel where he was. To his chagrin he was told to stay out of the way as several people began to extract Merlin, but he trusted that the others would do their job and get Merlin out safely.

They had, and Merlin was whisked away to hospital, Arthur by his side every step of the way.

Merlin had three surgeries in three days—one to repair internal bleeding near his stomach and chest areas, another to repair torn cartilage in his knee, and the final one to repair a labral tear—and was put in an induced coma so he could be allowed to heal easier.

But he was alive.

***********Present Day**********

Merlin doesn’t know what to say. “Where is Will?” This bloke that said his name is Arthur has told him about the accident, but that doesn’t explain what happened to Will.

“You don’t remember?” Arthur asks, his facial expressions unreadable, but Merlin doesn’t think he looks comfortable. What is he hiding?

“Erm, no,” replies Merlin, upset and angry. “Will didn’t work with me, but was he there that day? Was he killed?” Will had been saying that he and Merlin needed to go do lunch. Had he chosen that day to do that?

Arthur looks around the room as if an answer would magically appear. “Erm…”

“Look, Arthur, or whatever your name is, obviously I do not remember something. And I was in a pretty serious accident. I think I see where this is going. I can’t remember. So just please tell me where the hell is Will.”

“Okay, yeah, well,” Arthur begins, looking completely out of his comfort zone, “you broke it off with him a week before the accident.”

“I what?” Merlin sputters incredulously. But on second thought Merlin decides that he has no desire to hear this Arthur person’s comment again so he puts up his hand and shakes his head. “I need to talk to Will,” he says dejectedly.

“If you give me his number I’ll call him for you,” Arthur says, appearing completely flummoxed. 

Merlin nods and motions for Arthur to hand over his phone. He types in the number and thinks about talking to Will himself, but he knows it’ll be best if Arthur does it. Merlin isn’t sure what the hell went down between him and Will. He hands the phone back to Arthur and roughly wipes away a tear.

How in the hell had he got himself into this situation?

“Will? This is Arthur Pendragon.”

Merlin studies Arthur’s face to see his expression, but there is nothing to see.

“Yes, that is correct. You asked to be notified when Merlin woke so I am letting you know he has done so. And he wants to talk to you.”

Merlin wants so very badly to take the phone and ask Will what was going on.

“Yes, that he does.”

Now there is a brief hint of a smile, but it doesn’t last long. Merlin physically aches for Will.

“I’ll tell him.”

Merlin watches Arthur click off and set his mobile on the bedside table before resuming his seat next to the bed.

“Tell me what?” Merlin asks impatiently.

“He is on his way and should be here in half an hour.”

Merlin nods. “So, you and me? Are we”—Merlin motions in between the two of them—“together? The way you were stroking my hair and face I am guessing we were, erm, are?” 

None of this makes sense. Even having grown up with Will as his best friend, It had taken Merlin more than a month to finally allow himself to go out with Will once the two realised they might be interested in being more than friends—he doesn’t do things quickly—so how is it that he is now with Arthur?

“It’s complicated, but yes, we are.” Arthur takes a deep breath as he balls his hands in his lap. “So you really have no recollection of me whatsoever?” 

Even the most observant child would be able to tell that Arthur was struggling with this.

Hell, so is Merlin! It’s not like having his memories taken from him is a walk in the park. Why in the hell had he even been in the building? Uther had forbidden anyone other than the contracted builders from entering. Somehow Merlin had ended up in there and now he was paying a hefty price. 

“So… how do I know you, Arthur? I remember Will, but not you, so how do we know each other?” Merlin is somewhat pleased with himself that he has yet to yell at Arthur, but to be sure he desperately wants to. He doesn’t want this bloke to be by his side. 

He wants Will!

“My father hired you to be his personal assistant. You and I met at a business lunch a few days later. I’d rather you talk to Will before I tell you anything further.”

Merlin doesn’t like this idea—he wants Arthur to tell him everything now—but he nods because, really, he has no choice, does he? 

Well, at least he can be happy that he got the job.

And he knows that, despite what he wants to think, he and Will have been having problems for weeks, so the idea of them calling it quits is not completely out of the realm of possibility.

But Merlin wants it to be impossible. He doesn’t want to hear that he is no longer with his boyfriend. And that he is now with someone he doesn’t recognise.

Even with their recent problems, the fact that he has seemingly called off things with Will is jarring to Merlin. And the fact that he has no recollection of the breakup is heartbreaking. He and Will were together for over two years and they have quite a bit of history, having been the best of friends for most of their lives. Now it’s all over? Merlin has no clue how it had all gone down. Had he been upset? Had Will taken it well?

Or, did Merlin have it all wrong and Will was the one to call things off?

Merlin squeezes his eyes shut. Nothing about this is fair.

“I’m sorry, Merlin.” Arthur does sound contrite, so that is something, but it doesn’t even begin to make any of this okay. “I didn’t want to be the one to tell you.”

Yes, that much was perfectly clear. “My mother passed away last year and Will was all I had. We had our problems bu—but he was my everything, and now, according to you, we’re nothing.” Merlin has no idea why he is saying all of this aloud, but he guesses he is working through it all. Or as much as he can with the little he knows. Hopefully, Will can fill in the blanks.

Merlin feels ill and thinks he might be sick. “I don’t feel so good.”

Arthur put a bin before him and within seconds Merlin empties the contents of his stomach, tears streaming down his face.

He feels horrible and all he wants is for Will to hold him and tell him it is all going to be okay. But that isn’t going to happen, is it?

Merlin throws up again and more tears fall. He turns and looks at Arthur. “I don’t know you but I really could use a hug about now.”

Arthur wraps Merlin in his arms and hugs him, carding his hands through his hair and whispering that he will be okay.

Merlin doesn’t know if what Arthur says will be true, but at the moment he doesn’t much care. He remains in the comforting embrace for several minutes, crying. He feels somewhat silly, but apparently he and this bloke are together. So… erm… yeah, Merlin is a hugger. Certainly this man knows that.

There’s a knock at the door. Merlin slowly pulls away from Arthur and clears his throat. “Thanks.”

Arthur smiles. “Any time. So I’m going to the caf to give you and Will some time to talk. He has my number if you need to get ahold of me.”

Merlin nods as the door opens. Will walks in and Arthur leaves, the two sharing a few words as they pass. Merlin wants to know if they know each other. Does Will know that he and Merlin are together now?

“How are you feeling?” Will asks as he sits in the chair vacated by Arthur. “I’ve been so worried. Are you in pain?”

“A fair amount, yeah,” is Merlin’s stilted reply. “Apparently I was pretty banged up when the new administration building that was under construction collapsed. So much so that I can’t even remember that you and I broke up,” he says, thinking there’s no sense in delaying the reason for this visit. Will’s open mouth and shocked expression does Merlin a world of good and he isn’t sure if this is good or bad. “Did we? Break up?” Merlin asks, needing to hear it from Will.

“Yeah, we did. A week before the accident. We had a really big row after you came back from your job interview and I walked out.”

Wow, so it had been Will’s idea. “Why?”

“Do you really need to ask, Merlin? You know I’ve never felt like I was good enough for you. I think I royally proved that point every day,” he adds as he looks up towards the ceiling and shakes his head. “We should have never tried to be more than friends. Remember how close we once were? I miss those times, Merlin. You and me, we’re on different plains.” He once again looks at Merlin, appearing completely devastated.

Will is speaking truths (not all but some) that deep down Merlin has known from the first time they kissed. Even still, hearing this hurts. But Merlin knows Will isn’t telling him everything; he isn’t sure how he knows this, but know it he does.

“Merlin, I could never make you happy. And we were fighting all the time. You know we were, so don’t deny it.”

Will isn’t wrong about the fighting. But he is wrong about not ever being good enough for Merlin. “Cut the crap, Will. Don’t put this on me. I know we were good together. Yeah, we fought, and maybe we weren’t meant to stay together, but don’t you put this on me.” Merlin turns his head and looks towards the window. “I’m sorry,” he whispers some time later as he returns his attention to Will. “Maybe you’re right. I don’t know, Will. I have no recollection of that day. You could feed me a tall-tale and I wouldn’t have any idea if it was the truth or not.” That said, he again turns his head back towards the window and closes his eyes.

When Will takes one of Merlin’s hands in his, Merlin’s immediate inclination is to jerk it away, but he doesn’t. He wipes away a tear. “So who is Arthur? Do you know anything about him?” 

Merlin still has many questions about him and Will and what went down that day, and he wants to know what happened to him, but maybe those things can wait. For now he needs to know about Arthur.

***********Two Weeks Earlier**********

Will’s mobile beeped. It was Freya.

 

Freya: OMGOMGOMG. Remember that job interview I set up for Merlin?”

Will: Yeah

Freya: The bloke who played footie for Madrid ten years ago is the son of Uther Pendragon and works at the same place Merlin will if he gets this job!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Will: ?????

Freya: WILL!

Will: FREYA!

Freya: Merlin had a massive crush on him.

Will: Oh.

Freya: Yes, oh indeed! But that was ages ago. Arthur Pendragon was injured not even a year after he began playing for Madrid and has fallen off the map. I haven’t heard Merlin mention him since. But OMGOMGOMGOMG! I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he realises who he will be working with.

Will: I am sure he will be over the moon.

Freya: That was sarcasm wasn’t it?

Will: You know me well.

***********Present Day**********

“Arthur doesn’t look familiar to you at all?” Will asks as he reaches into his back pocket and retrieves his wallet.

“Nope. Should he?” Obviously, Merlin should know this person. Silly him.

Will takes out something from his wallet—it looks like a photo—and shows it to Merlin.

“Shite. Holy hell, it’s Arthur Pendragon. Holy mother of all shit,” Merlin says, his heart racing a mile a minute. He is dating Arthur Pendragon the former footie player?

This couldn’t be true, but he knew it was, and knowing this, everything else begins to fall into place.

Will, being the self-sacrificing git he has always been, even if he can be the most selfish idiot to walk the earth, had decided to play God and set Merlin free so he could pursue Arthur.

“You are such a royal berk, Will. What was your excuse to get me to believe that you wanted to leave me?” Will looks incredulous. Merlin rolls his eyes. “I know you better than anyone. You were happy. You were not going to leave me. So spill.” Now Merlin is furious… with himself. How could he have let Will do this?

“Freya told me about Arthur and I knew how unhappy you’d been with me, so I thought the best thing for me to do was to bow out and let you have a chance with Arthur.”

Oh. My. Gods! Merlin thinks. “What did you tell me? What did you say to make me agree to this?” Merlin can’t imagine anything that Will could have said to make Merlin believe he would want to leave.

“I told you I wasn’t happy. You didn’t accept that and hounded me for the real reason. I hadn’t counted on that so I blurted out the first thing I could think of… that I met someone else. That shut you up real quick.” 

Will is attempting to look imposing, but really he looks like a scared little boy. If Merlin didn’t want to throttle him so badly he thinks he might ask if Will needs a hug.

“You effing bastard.”

“Yeah, that wasn’t my finest moment,” Will says, repentant.

“What the everlasting crap is that, Will? What even? I had a stupid crush on the bloke ten years ago. He was the object of many a wet-dream. I had grand illusions of the two of us riding off into the sunset and him making mad passionate love to me every night for the rest of our lives. But oh my gods, Will, not once did I EVER imagine that any of that would come true. I know I live in the clouds much of the time, but omgomgomg, so you mean to tell me you just decided that you would leave me because my _crush_ was going to be working with me? Just go. I can’t even stand to see you right now,” Merlin says as he turns his head and stares at the window and watches the rain that has begun to fall.

What a fitting backdrop.

“I’m really sorry, Merlin, for everything. If it weren’t for me you wouldn’t be here.” Then the door closes and Will is gone.

What did Will mean by that?

But did it even matter?

Merlin didn’t care. He didn’t care about anything.

He feels so very alone.

He closes his eyes and allows sleep to claim him.

When he next wakes, Arthur is again stroking his face and hair, but this time he is looking at Merlin, and Merlin wishes he wasn’t because he again feels tears preparing to fall.

Why couldn’t he have died in the accident?

“I saw Will as he was leaving and he looked miserable so I gather things didn’t go well?” he asks as he helps Merlin get into a more comfortable sitting position.

“You could say that.” Merlin doesn’t want to talk about it. 

“I didn’t know what had gone down with the two of you, Merlin. You and I met and seemed to get on well. I asked you out for drinks. You were sad and kept your distance, but then you began opening yourself up to me and we got closer. I asked you what happened between you and Will, and you didn’t want to talk about it. I have since talked to Freya, and she has filled me in. Gods, I’m so sorry, Merlin. I feel like such a jerk.”

Merlin shakes his head vociferously. Will was the one who was the jerk. Not Arthur. Arthur has been nothing but a gentleman throughout all of this. “No, don’t you dare apologise for what you have done, Arthur. I don’t know where things are going for us, but please don’t apologise. I loved Will. And that he would leave me like he did breaks my heart, for me and for him. I don’t know how to feel, but it is what it is and I just don’t want to think about it any more right now.”

“Fair enough. You need rest. Sleep. I am not going anywhere,” Arthur says in his posh English accent that Merlin has already become quite fond of. It’s a far cry from his Irish and Will’s cockney.

Yes, Merlin thinks he’d like to sleep… for days, but at the moment there is something he craves a bit more than sleep. “Erm, is there any water? I’m thirsty.”

“The doctors don’t want you having any water quite yet, but they said ice chips were fine as long as you did not have too many of them,” Arthur says as he pours ice chips into a cup and then retrieved one. Merlin opens his mouth, and Arthur places the chip on his tongue. It feels wonderful. “Careful, take it slow.”

Merlin closes his eyes and enjoys the feeling of the ice as he works it down to nothing. When it is gone he asks for another, then another, and another.

“That’s enough, Merlin. You need to take it easy, yeah?”

“One more, please?” Merlin begs, feeling like he could never get enough to slake his thirst.

“One more,” Arthur says before placing one last chip on Merlin’s tongue.

Merlin closes his mouth around Arthur’s finger... on accident. Truly. He smiles, embarrassed.

Sucking someone’s finger is a rather intimate moment, and even as Merlin is not actually sucking Arthur’s finger, he has it in his mouth. But he opens it and Arthur withdraws the digit without comment. He is blushing, however.

Merlin finds this quite endearing.

“You need to rest, Merlin. I think you’ve had enough surprises for one day.”

“Are there more?” Merlin asks with a sardonic smile. He is joking, but Arthur’s slight intake of breath tells Merlin that there is indeed more. “I should probably wait until tomorrow to hear whatever else you have to regale me with, but best to get this all out now, yeah? What else haven’t I been told?” 

It is patently clear Arthur does not want to have this conversation, but Merlin is not allowing him to skirt around this. “Please, Arthur.”

“Yeah, okay,” Arthur begins, the same reticence as before present. “The accident. You had gone to the job site to assess the progress of the new office complex. You were meeting there with my father. I was there to approve additions with the architects and engineers. There was a noise and the building began creaking, then it began to crumble before our eyes. A crane fell and crashed through the roof. We were stunned and were told to get as far away from the building as possible, but then you let out a bloodcurdling scream and called out to Will. Apparently, he was the person operating the crane and had been thrown off into the building.”

What? Merlin guesses he had known Will was going to be there that day—that must be how he knew Will was inside the collapsing building, but as with so many other things, he has no memories of this.

At least Will hadn’t seemed to have been hurt too badly. That was something.

Merlin isn’t sad when a nurse comes to check his vitals. He is on sensory overload and needs to be alone to process everything. He closes his eyes and eventually falls asleep.

When he next wakes, Gwaine is seated next to the bed, looking down at his mobile. Merlin grins. At least some things never change.

“Hey,” Merlin says, relieved that his voice sounds somewhat stronger now. If only he felt better. His back was beginning to smart something awful and his chest didn’t feel that great either.

“Hey, you,” says Gwaine, setting down his mobile and studying Merlin. “You look terrible.”

“Feel like it, too,” Merlin says, trying to laugh, but it never makes it to the surface. “I woke up this morning to a bloody soap opera. I guess you’ve heard?”

Gwaine lets out a sigh and nods. “Yes, one day you’ll have to tell me how you manage to lead such a colourful life.”

“I wish I didn’t, Gwaine. What I wouldn’t give to have Will back. At least with him I knew what to expect. I have no recollection of this Arthur person. Shouldn’t I have feelings for him if we are together? I don’t. In fact I think I hate him on principle.”

Merlin watches Gwaine stand and walk to the window. What is he thinking? Merlin knows that for years Gwaine has harboured a massive crush on him. It is no secret that he has never liked Will.

“You shouldn’t hate Arthur, Merlin. I can’t tell you how to feel about him, but he has been here every second of every day since you arrived. I know you are missing Will, but Merlin, you’ve got to know that Will and you weren’t good for each other. This bloke Arthur, well, he is good for you, and you know how hard that is for me to say because I think you and I would be perfect together. I have never liked Will, but what he did for you when he broke things off with you shows me that there is good in him. You deserve to be happy, Merls, as does he.”

“But I don’t know Arthur, Gwaine. I don’t know him. I know Will. I miss Will. I miss him so much it hurts.” Merlin is whinging but doesn’t much care. He doesn’t feel good, he hasn’t got Will to talk to, and the bloke who has been there for him is a stranger.

Gwaine nods as he walks to the bed and sits on the edge of it. He pulls Merlin into a gentle hug and allows him to cry.

***********Two Months Later**********

Merlin enters his office and looks around. There is very little of his on the desk as he had only begun working here not long before the accident, but there are flowers covering the desk and sofa and chairs, and this makes him grin. He has been pensive about returning to work for so many reasons.

“Merlin?” Uther’s secretary calls out as she peeks through the door.

“Gwen?” Merlin turns around. “Did you need me?”

“No, I just wanted to welcome you back. I’m glad you are healed.”

Merlin smiles and nods. He appreciates the gesture, but is he truly healed? His body continues to ache, sometimes enough to bring him to his knees, and he still has no recollection of that lost time before the accident. He motions for Gwen to sit across from him and is thankful when she does.

“Gwen, have they found out anything about the accident? What caused it?”

“I think it was determined that the wind was gusting and it caught the crane in a vulnerable position. Mr Pendragon seemed satisfied with that assessment. Why do you want to know?” she asks, looking somewhat curious, which, of course she is. She is probably wondering why Merlin wants to know any of this.

Merlin is an entry-level assistant who has no say-so in anything. He would have no reason to want to know the cause of the accident, other than that it had nearly killed him, but Gwen doesn’t know that the person operating the crane had been Merlin’s boyfriend not so long ago. 

Over the past day Merlin has heard rumours that Arthur’s father is looking into suing the company that provided the crane.

Merlin hopes not. If Will’s company is sued then he will probably lose his job, and Will needs that job. He is on his own. Well, so is Merlin, but Will had been on his own since he was sixteen. He hasn’t had an easy life and the idea that he could lose his job hurts Merlin.

He looks at Gwen and smiles. “You’re going to find out anyway, so I might as well tell you that Will, my ex, was the one operating the crane. I don’t remember how I knew it was him who had been on the crane, but I ran into the building after him. That’s when part of the roof collapsed on me. Will got out and, other than a few scratches and bruises, he was fine. But I’ve heard talk that the company that provided the crane might be sued. Can you please find out what is going on with this? I know this isn’t in your job description and that it is none of my business, but it kind of is. I seem to no longer be with Will, but I still care for him and don’t want to see him hurt because of this.”

Once Gwen assures him that she will do her best to find out what is happening and takes her leave, Merlin downs a cuppa and feels somewhat more able to face the day ahead. Arthur will probably show up sooner rather than later to check and make sure Merlin is not overdoing it. 

Uther Pendragon had told Merlin to take as much time as he needed to recover, but not doing anything had been horrible for Merlin and he had come back to work much earlier than he probably should have, so, of course Arthur will be in to check up on him.

The thought makes Merlin grin.

Despite his misgivings, he is thankful for Arthur. If not for him Merlin isn’t sure where he’d be today. Depression has always been a struggle, but recently it has been so much worse. His mother’s death, then the accident, and losing Will had sent him into a nosedive, but Arthur has been great through it all and now Merlin feels more confident that things aren’t as bad as they seem. 

But he has to constantly remind himself of this because he is still in a fair amount of pain… of all forms. His tolerance of the physical pain is better some days than others, but the pain that hurts the most is still Will. And then there is Arthur, who Merlin feels extremely sorry for. 

How in the hell could he have ever known when he started chatting up this bloke called Merlin that Merlin’s boyfriend had engineered this entire situation? And how could he have known that his new boyfriend would go get himself nearly killed and lose the memories he had with this new boyfriend of his?

Arthur has been wonderful; he hasn’t pressured Merlin at all about the two of them—he’s given Merlin all the space in the world—and he has even become friends with Will in the process as the two of them have tried valiantly to get Merlin to come out of this depression he now finds himself in.

Merlin knows he can have no better friends—he has hit the jackpot with Gwaine, Will, and now Arthur. Some people live the whole of their lives without one good friend and here Merlin is with two, and perhaps working on a third.

But this third… could he really be boyfriend material? Merlin wants him to be. Really, he does, but he just doesn’t have that spark for Arthur that he had with Will. He desperately wants to have it. He has fervently wished for it. But as of yet there has been none.

This _spark thing_ isn’t something you can manufacture—his mum once told him that she’d known the second she saw Balanor she knew he was meant for her and that they would be happy together—and that is what Merlin wants for himself. Freya continuously tells him he just needs to give it time, that he has been through a severe trauma and at the moment he has no room for anyone serious in his life, and that just maybe Merlin hasn’t seen that _spark_ with Arthur yet because he isn’t ready for it. It seems logical, but Merlin has never been patient.

There is a knock at the door.

Merlin roughly wipes at his eyes to be sure there are no errant tears left behind, then he asks for whomever it is to enter.

Of course, it is Arthur. Merlin tries to smile, but he knows it doesn’t reach his eyes.

“I bought you something, Merlin,” Arthur says, his right hand behind his back, a goofy grin on his face.

“Are you going to show me or shall I come get it from you?” Merlin asks cheekily. He guesses he is trying to flirt. No doubt, he is probably failing rather miserably, but he has to start somewhere, right? Maybe if he flirts he will feel something. A spark. Maybe.

Arthur withdraws his hand from behind his back and holds it out for Merlin to see.

Merlin gapes. There, in Arthur’s hand, is his mother’s scarf that she had been wearing when she died. Merlin had it with him when he was injured and he thought he’d never see it again. “You found it,” he says, his voice breaking, but he doesn’t even care. He walks up to Arthur and carefully takes the soft material in his hands, brings it to his nose, and inhales. Yes, now there is the smell of sawdust, but he can still smell his mother and it serves to calm him immediately.

He doesn’t know what his future holds, but it will be fine.

He will be fine.

He sits down in his chair, puts his head in his hands, and breaks down.

And cries.

For Will.

For his mother.

For Arthur.

For him.

But most of all he cries because finally, at long last, he has found the spark.

Sometime later, once he has composed himself, he looks up, expecting to see Arthur waiting for him, but he isn’t there. There is a note on his desk:

 

_I thought you could use some time to yourself. I’ll be in my office until five if you need to talk. If you are amenable to it, I would very much like to make you supper tonight at my house. No pressure. Only if you want to. Text or ring me._

Merlin doesn’t have to think about it. He most assuredly does not want to spend the evening alone. He finds his mobile.

 

Merlin: Yes, I would like that. I’ll meet you there at six?

 

Merlin stares at his mobile and almost immediately sees the ‘…’ His breathing speeds up.

 

Arthur: See you then, Merlin.

 

Merlin grins.

 

Merlin: Thank you for salvaging my mother’s scarf. I was afraid I had lost it forever. It was all I had left of her.

Arthur: My father found it and said he thought he remembered you wearing it. It’s down to him that you now have it. I’m happy I could reunite it with you.

Merlin takes the scarf in his hand and closes his eyes. 

This was the closest he would ever get to hugging his mother.

***********Later That Evening**********

Merlin, full and happy, helps Arthur take the dishes into the kitchen.

Arthur had wanted to prepare something complicated that sounded really good, but Merlin had requested fish and chips. Not that it was his favourite meal or anything like that—it wasn’t—but when Arthur had set that scarf in Merlin’s hand, he’d decided that this thing with Arthur was good for him and that he was going to try to make it work.

So there are other things he wants to do with his time this night other than eat and clean up dirty dishes.

Not that he’d told Arthur any of this. He had made up some lame excuse about fish and chips being a food he never allowed himself to eat anymore so that was what he wanted.

“You look happy,” Arthur says as he turns on the water and rinses off the pan the fish had been on.

“I am,” Merlin replies as he opens the dishwasher and puts in the pan Arthur hands him. “So, I was thinking,” and at this he looks up at Arthur, daring him to make a smart comment about that as he was wont to do with their other friends, but Arthur says nothing, “it’s been two months since the accident. I keep thinking my missing memories are going to resurface, but they haven’t and they might never come back. I hate it, Arthur—I feel like part of me is missing, and I feel like I was cheated because I don’t remember anything about leaving Will. I hate that more than anything, but I can’t keep waiting to remember that and to have closure about something that might never happen. He will always be a part of my life, regardless, and that will have to be enough. He and I are over and I think I’m ready to see if you and me can work. I don’t know, Arthur. I’ve never been with anyone besides Will. I don’t know if I’m really ready, but I want to try. I like being around you. You make me smile, and it has been a long while since I have done that.”

This said, Merlin studies Arthur, waiting for his reaction. Had he been too forward? Had he completely killed the mood by speaking about Will? Had he caught Arthur off guard?

“Are you sure?” Arthur asks as he turns off the water and dries his hands. “If you are, then I want you to know that I am ready to try as well. We will do this together, and either it’ll work or it won’t, but there’s only one way to find out.”

No guts, no glory, Merlin thinks as he decides he’s waited long enough. He takes the towel from Arthur, leans in, and kisses him. It's little more than a nip, but it is a beginning.

A new Beginning.


End file.
